I stared into my book silently, not truly concentrating on the words before me.  I was lost in thought once more, as I had been for weeks.  I couldn?t understand why these thoughts of past and present now decided to come to me; as far as I could remember I had never thought this way.  I was even getting nightmares; they would wake me up in the middle of the night with cold sweat clinging to my body.  I felt vulnerable when these thoughts entered.  Why did all these emotions come to me now?  Why now were the events of my past breaking through and haunting me?

?Trowa?  What?s the matter??

Quatre came in so quietly that I hadn?t noticed.  He was now looking at me with a concerned expression. Quickly, I hide all emotion from my face.  ?I?m fine,? I replied calmly, then looked back to my book, ignoring his skeptical stare.  I held my breath when the Arabian pilot took a seat next to me, continuing to stare.

?Trowa, I can tell when there is something wrong.? He paused.  ?I?m not going to pressure you into saying anything, I just want you to know that you can talk to me if you need to.?

?Aa.?  I did my best not to sound interested.  I wasn?t one for expressing emotions freely; controlling emotions kept me from being vulnerable.  Telling Quatre of my past was not something I wanted to do; this went beyond feeling vulnerable, however.  It seemed embarrassing, and I was scared of how he would react.  To tell someone who was so close to me about the mercenaries who raped me? the thought seemed horrifying.

I felt Quatre move off my bed, and raised my head a bit.  My heart cringed a bit when I saw the semi-hurt expression on his face.  I?d hurt my koi?

 Koi? the word stopped me from thinking about it any further.  Why would I think of him like that, I wondered?  What was wrong with me?  Quickly, I shook my head: willing the thoughts away.

  Sighing, I decided that it was time to get some rest.  The day had been wearing and the next day would bring quite a bit.  One again, we?d been assigned to another mission; yet another OZ school was to be blown up.  These missions were getting rather monotonous?

I shook my head, and sighed once again.  Since when had I cared about action?  I then dropped my head to the inviting pillow and willed myself to fall asleep.
 
 
 
 

 I woke to the sight of Quarte moving around the room as I did every morning, only this time something was different.  He wasn?t checking on the mission or getting ready for a day of school, he was merely walking back and forth with conflicting emotions showing on his face.

 It seemed like an out-of-body experience when I got up and ask the smaller boy what was wrong; sounding very concerned. I saw Quatre?s surprise as he turned around.  I, personally, was as surprised as he.

 I continued to look at him, though my expression was once again blank.  He must have seen something in my eyes, because he came and sat beside me looking slightly relieved.  The Arabian pilot took a deep breath before telling me what was on his mind.

??Trowa? I need to tell you something,? he began.  Quatre paused, looking searchingly at me.

?What is it?? I asked softly, feeling concerned and uncomfortable at the same time.  He sounded nervous, and so I knew that what he was going to tell me was very important.  Without thinking, I laid calm hand on his shoulder.

Quatre started and looked at me in surprise.  Quickly, however, he calmed down and offered me a small smile.  The smile that always made the pain easier?

Sighing, I tried to shake the emotions away, finding them coming back the moment I looked back at him?at my angel.

I was shaken from my reverie when Quatre began talking once more.

?Trowa?? he took a deep breath, forcing himself to continue.  ?There?s no real simple way to say this, so I?ll simply say it.  You may not feel the same way, and I?ll understand if you don?t.?

He paused taking my hands in his, as if drawing strength from them, and I began to feel anxious.  What was he trying to tell me?

Quatre?s aquamarine eyes found mine, and I nearly gasped at the intensity of them. ?Trowa, I?m in love with you.? He?d gathered himself and spoke honestly with no stutter breaking his speech, and after that one sentence, I couldn?t utter a single word.

I watched silently as Quatre?s expression changed from that of determination, to nervous fear.  He seemed desperate for some kind of reaction, but I couldn?t will myself to say what I wanted to.  Why can?t I tell him?why can?t I just say that I feel the same way?

When I saw the masked hurt and depression in his eyes, I knew that I had to do something.  Frantically, I pulled Quatre towards me and kissed him passionately.  When we broke, his eyes were wide with shock, and I found myself stammering for some kind of excuse.

Any words were silenced when my koi pressed his thumb against my lips, smiling at me in understanding.  He?s always so understanding?I don?t know how he manages most of the time?

I gasped slightly when Quatre pulled he into his loving embrace, but soon found myself relaxed.  I began to feel slightly guilty at the fact that I never told him how much he means to me, but as I look into his eyes, I already see that he knows.

*********************************************************************

It is now later in the week.  The mission has been accomplished, and I rest on the couch next to my angel.  Sighing, I gather the courage to tell him about my past.  With the great gift he?s already given me, the least I could do was be truthful, even if it meant that he would never want to see me again.

?Quatre??  I ask, trying to keep the slight hesitation from my voice.  It seemed too perfect a moment to ruin with such talk, but I knew that I had to tell him.  To warn him of who and what I was.  To warn him of how I could taint him.

?Hm?? he asked, looking up adoringly at me.

My heart stopped at his sweet expression.  My dearest tenshi??There?s something I?ve been meaning to tell you...about my past.?

I went through everything.  The raping, the degrading, all that I could remember.  I warned him about me and the problems I had, but he didn?t pull away.  He stayed with me, telling me how important I was to him, and how it was never my fault.

  Part of me wondered how he could ever be so compassionate, and could take me even though I am nothing.  The other part of me, however, urged me to go on; telling me that he was the one good thing in my life, and never to let go.  He vowed from that moment that he would teach me what true love was, and that he?d protect me from fate?s cruelty.

  It seemed to me that he was taking on a bit more than he could handle, but the determination that shone in his eyes told me that he would never give in on that vow no matter what happened.

Oh, how I love him?
 

************************************************************************

(Later?as in three years in the future.)

All of a sudden, as I look on my life, everything seems so much brighter.  The missions don?t seem to matter quite as much, however I still do them to the best of my ability.  What was once monotonous, and dry is now full of life, and I owe it all to him: my angel.  Although it was hard to learn to feel and trust again, I would never give it up for the world.